I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
