then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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