yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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