He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
