You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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