Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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