The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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