that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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