its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
