do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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