You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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