I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
