Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
cat food counts as protein by the way
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
