I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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