I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
