I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
