I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
