Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
