Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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