Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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