Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
