Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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