i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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