I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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