I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
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I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
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I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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