I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
