Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
