Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
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