I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Never joke about your clitoris.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
