you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
