i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
