Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
