he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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