He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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