A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
