Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
