so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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