i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
