we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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