Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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