That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
