i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
