i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
