I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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