We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
