Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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