What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I need to stop coming to work sober
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
