My hair reeks of homosexuality.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
