Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
