Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We had sex on a dog bed..
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
