I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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