They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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