walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize