I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
