I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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